How To Talk To Pregnant Strangers

Dear Random Guy at WalMart Today:

Let me start by saying that generally speaking, I love a friendly person.  Cranky people in public crowded places really add nothing to their environment. 

So I'm sorry, WalMart, I added nothing to your aisles today.

And hello, there, Random Guy.  Do I know you?  I have to stop and think for a moment, because that is the only good reason I can think of that you would be yelling "Well hello there, how are you doing today?"  From one end of the frozen aisle to the other, where I was standing.  As you approach, I can see that I do not, in fact, know you.  Unfortunately, that does not discourage you from asking me how I am feeling.  

Do you really want to know, Random Guy?  Because since you asked, my lower back is killing me, my pelvis feels like an arthritic 80 year old man every time I move or walk, a small person is using my bladder as a punching bag, and every time the baby moves, it makes me want to vomit.  And I'm so tired I actually contemplated skipping frozen foods and just going home for a nap.

But I'm guessing you don't actually want to know how I'm feeling.  So I reply, "Great!"  and attempt to keep walking.

But you, Random Guy, will not be deterred.  Because you have not invaded my privacy enough for one day.  You chase me down to the Stouffer's section (don't judge me for eating unhealthy frozen meals) and proceed to PUT YOUR HAND ON MY BELLY AND ASK ME IF I AM HAVING TWINS.

Let me offer a quick tutorial for those of you who have no idea how to speak to extremely pregnant women that you have never met before, yet feel compelled to converse with in public anyway.  First, never touch her belly.  You are a stranger, and if you are close enough to touch my pregnant belly, you are DEFINITELY in my personal space and need to scooch back just a tad.  Second, never ask if she is having twins.  This will never be well received by the pregnant woman, unless she is actually having quadruplets.  In that case, rest assured, she will not be wandering the aisles of WalMart late in her pregnancy.  Finally, never offer suggestions to the extremely pregnant woman regarding "how to go into labor".  Especially if aforementioned suggestions involve, um, intimacy and related positions.  

That one's for you, Random Lady at Target Five Years Ago.

For the record, if I have never met you, you will not hurt my feelings by not inquiring about my due date/current children in my family/size/what I'm having/if I'm having twins/if I'm done at three children/you must be so thrilled it's a girl.

What to do if you do see an extremely pregnant woman at the WalMart that you don't know?  How about helping her lift that dadgum case of water bottles she's trying to wrestle off the bottom shelf into her cart instead of standing there waiting for her to get out of the way, oh able-bodied male?

Oh what a joy and miracle pregnancy is, and yes, I am taking the time to enjoy every second of my last one.