Friday, July 23, 2010

Putting it into Words

I'm having a hard time processing this adoption so far, putting my thoughts into words, if you will.

Somewhere along the line it became about something more than adding another daughter to our family. It became about more than Brandon and me wanting four children.

Somewhere along the line it became about faith. And God. And what happens when, despite all logic, despite all the little reasons why something "can't" or "shouldn't" be done, what happens when you do what God wants you to do, even when you have no idea how you're going to do it.

What happens when doubt creeps in, fear about what this will do to your perfect little family, that split second when you wonder if you've made the right decision. God steps in, and says yes. And shut up, a little. And it's the most humbling feeling in the world, to realize in a very tangible way that you are an idiot. That God has this totally taken care of, and who are you to worry, even a little bit. Because "Don't worry, God is in control" are very easy words to say, and they look so pretty embroidered on pillows, but very hard sometimes to really know to your core.

I'm not quite ready to go into details about how God has made a way, financially speaking, for this adoption to happen. Let's just say, I would have been less surprised if little green gnomes had appeared on my doorstep with a nap-sack full of money. While pigs flew in the sky behind them and I danced with rhythm.

I remember several years ago, before I had any children, having a conversation with a single girlfriend. She had just returned from a mission trip to Romania, and had spent a lot of time serving in a Romanian orphanage. She came home wanting to immediately return, to move to Romania and adopt a houseful of children. I remember saying something to her along the lines of "I think adoption is great. But I think you have to really want to adopt a child, and not do it because you feel like you "should", and Brandon and I just don't have any desire to adopt."

Young Mandy would have laughed if you told her that in just a few years, she would be adopting her fourth child. And then she probably would have cried.

I remember sitting in a youth conference as a youth leader, and hearing a man speak about prayer. He had been journaling his prayers, and the ways they were answered, for upwards of 25 years. I remember sitting there in awe, thinking to myself, "No one can ever tell that man that God doesn't exist." That's kind of how I feel today. No one can ever tell me that God doesn't exist, or that He's not behind this adoption 100%.

When Aidan was about a year old, we started trying to get pregnant again. What we didn't realize, that about the same time that our disappointment set in, another mother a world away was pregnant with our daughter. It's so hard in those moments to appreciate the fact that God's got it under control, and will give you exactly the family that He wants you to have, because in that moment, you are so very caught up in your plans. And how could His plans possibly be better than your own?

Thanks for hanging in there with me through this pieced together, disjointed post. I was reading this morning about what Mike observations on worship, and I am having a very face-down type of day.


Anonymous said...

You dance with rhythm??? Green gnomes with sacks of money riding on the backs of flying pigs I can see...

But there is a reason you were raised Church of Christ..

Gary and Krissy said...

Beautiful. Thanks for your heart, Mandy.